Rants ahoy! #1: Oh joy, a new Dylan album.

I hate Bob Dylan. I hate terrorism. Bob Dylan is aural terrorism. But more on the medieval torture device that is his voice later.

Anyway, Zimmy's got a new album out (hooray). Together Through Life (Columbia 2009) was released today, April 29th. As his 33rd studio album, it's about damn time to hang up the guitar and the harmonica holder thing, but no music critic over the age of 30 will ever admit it.

Take for example, perennial Dylan-fellatio-providers Rolling Stone magazine. Now, they love them some Bob, maybe even a little too much (This 2008-year-end list just proves their pandering. Seriously, unless you are TV on the Radio, no matter what new material you produce, it will never be as good as a bunch of shitty Dylan b-sides? Excellent message, RS.) Anywho, as expected, they loved it.

No formal review here. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I need to be to want to listen to his bullfrog-being-raped-by-a-rusty-grain thresher of a voice. You'd think somebody would hand him a lozenge one of these days...

And here's another RS list that proves my point about the magazine's blatant favoritism. 100 Greatest singers of the rock era. Okay, we have the no-brainers of soul legends Aretha Franklin, Sam Cooke and Marvin Gaye in the top 10. But oh, looky there at #7, it's Mr. Golden Pipes himself. Apparently with a greater voice than Robert Plant, Freddy Mercury and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JEFF GODDAMN BUCKLEY! AHHHHHHHH!

But he's a genius of a songwriter and a national treasure so I have no choice but to say he's the the greatest human being alive. Oh, by the way, attention all musicians out there: don't bother releasing anything this year. Rolling Stone already made up it's mind for album of the year by default.

Together Through Life is available now on iTunes, for all you sadomasochists out there.

End rant.

Ron Paul Watch '09: Lunacy on the high seas

Within the past year or so, the global shipping industry has been all but crippled by the scourge of pirates (the lame Somali type, sadly). After last month's dramatic USS Maersk Alabama rescue, the world's commercial fleet has been living in fear of scary men with machine guns (and of course, they just HAVE to be black...)

But need not worry, freighter captains of the world! Former Presidential hopeful, Republican Congressman and YouTube sensation Ron Paul (R-TX) has a rootin'-tootin' Marshall plan for disinfecting the international waters of these vermin.

It's called marque and reprisal. It's a nifty little Constitutional tidbit that enables the federal government to hire private citizens to patrol hostile territory. So, in a nutshell, Ron Paul is calling for Government-approved mercenaries to combat maritime pirates.

Sounds like a job for Blackwater! Or at least for MORMON JESUS.

Anywho, this could be serious business for all the burgeoning Dog: Bounty Hunters out there. Just think: gone are the pirates, done away by trigger-happy Southern successionists with nasty arsenals and even nastier hairstyles. I feel safer already.

So, thank you in advance, Dr. Paul. By the way, good luck with that I.R.S. thing...

In Soviet Russia, tree grows in you!

File this under the WTF? category: recently, a Russian man was found with a small fir tree growing inside his lung. Remember when you were little, and you thought swallowing watermelon seeds would cause watermelons to grow inside you, and then you learned how that wasn't true? Apparently, our childish naivety was somewhat correct. According to Reuters, it is believed that the man inhaled a seed, which then sprouted into a small fir tree inside his lung. He went to the doctor complaining of chest pain, and after the doctors did tests, they operated immediately, assuming this man had cancer. Imagine their surprise when they found a 5 CM FIR TREE in his lung.

This really doesn't make any sense, and it is thusly baffling to scientists, like the botanist in the video, who see no way that a tree could root in a human lung. I agree with this logic, obviously, as my co-writer on this website can attest to (he calls me Dr. Science). Since all the sources are in Russian and have been poorly translated to English, we can't be sure if any of this is true anyway. I would say either this man is lying and he accidentally swallowed an entire fir tree, or he is MORMON JESUS.

YouTube Standards #1

Mike Rowe, of pretty much everything on the Discovery Channel these days, in his early years. Here he appears on QVC selling a ridiculous cat "toy," if you can even call it that. Definitely one of the funnier things you will find on YouTube that hasn't had the crap edited out of it. Enjoy.

Found on the INTERNET #1: Jesus is so kawaiiiiiiii

Attention, blasphemers and zealots alike! Have you ever wondered what Cain and Abel would look like with giant sweat bubble tear drop things coming from their faces? Want Pontius Pilate to be replaced by a super-mechanized robot thing engineered to crucify and kick ass? Want to see pictures of Mary Magdaline in a schoolgirl outfit (tentacle rape optional, depending on your level of sick-fuck-ness)?
Sadly, the anime stereotypes don't get too outrageous here in the Manga Bible. Illustrated and interpreted by Siku, known for his work on Judge Dredd and 2000 AD, this version of the good book follows our hero Jesus (surprisngly not a time-traveling samurai) as battles Satan and the forces of the Israelites through six exciting volumes conveniently split into old and new testaments. Apparently, the crucifixion is TEH EPICNESS.

This reminded me of several other comical anime re-imaginings.

Verdict: Try as he might, Manga Jesus will never compare with MORMON JESUS

What Is He Doing Now? #27

On Friday, it was reported by the Seattle Times that former NFL QB Jake "The Snake" Plummer had taken a job coaching at an Idaho high school. Remember him? The quarterback who retired in 2007 because he didn't want to compete with this guy? Well, now instead of making a million a year riding the bench for the Buccaneers, he is an assistant coach at Sandpoint High School. More specifically, the quarterbacks coach. But hey, at least he is doing something, right? It could be worse. And you have to admit that he has grown an awesome beard. Just look at that picture above.

Irrelevant News #1

St. Louis Blues rookie T.J. Oshie was the subject of a blog recently called "Vote 4 Oshie." Basically, despite the fact that Oshie is 22 and clearly does not have the credentials to be mayor of St. Louis, some hardcore fans still gathered their collective selves and set out to write-in Oshie on the mayoral ballot. Well, the election was last Tuesday, and as you would probably expect, Oshie fell a few votes short of victory.

But there's more. One overzealous fan (still unidentified) from O'Fallon, MO decided that he was going to write in Oshie for HIS town's mayoral election, take a picture of himself with his Oshie ballot, and post it on the Vote 4 Oshie blog. Apparently this was a very poor idea, since in the state of Missouri, willfully sharing the contents of your ballot is a "class-four election offense," meaning this fan could face up to a year in jail along with a $2,500 fine.

Well that's all fine and dandy, but this guy was just joking around. He won't actually be arraigned for this, will he? Well it turns out that the county elections director decided to be a Grade A D-Bag and go after this guy for having some harmless fun. From the Post-Dispatch:

"The Oshie voter "violated the law, and I'm going to prosecute," county elections director Rich A. Chrismer said. "They may have thought the photo was cute, but it was very serious.""

""You can't violate something as sacred as the ballot," Chrismer said. "People won't trust going to a polling place if they think somebody is walking around with a camera.""

wtf? Firstly, this is a mayoral election in O'FALLON, MO; I don't even know where the hell that is, and I doubt any of my readers do either. I'd guess around 32 people voted in this election. Also, by Missouri law, Oshie wouldn't even have been eligible to win the election because a) he is 22 b) he never declared his candidacy for mayor, a requirement for write-ins and c) he doesn't live in O'Fallon. So even if the Oshie voter influenced everyone to vote for Oshie with his picture, he still wouldn't be able to win. I understand that if this guy took a picture of himself with an actual candidate voted on his ballot, that he could influence others and swing the election the wrong way, but this pressing of charges here just doesn't make any sense to me. He was just having fun. Leave the poor guy alone!

UPDATE: The ballot itself!

A Challenger Appears

As Erik said previous, welcome to our our obligatory blog of silliness. Expect news of the weird, brief music reviews, lists and classified information pertaining to US troop locations. Useful, entertaining, and DELICIOUS.

Greetings and Salutations

Welcome to Rivers Cuomo Will Seat You Now! I was bored and decided to put together this blog with my friend Dan. We'll be posting about comical news stories and music that we like (gripping content, I know). We will likely make terrible pop culture references that no one but ourselves will understand. Hopefully this will work.